i must REALLY be depressed - sleeping without the help of sleeping pills now...

thank God for my on-line friends!

when i feel like this, i usually end up cutting myself off from the rest of the world, because being around people when i'm this tired makes me exhausted...

thanks to the 'net, i can "be around people" without having to actually *be* around people, and so i'm not shutting the reste of the world out completely...

(pretend with me that you can't tell i'm just trying to justify my being on-line so much! *grinning*)

feeling like a badly animated cartoon character...

every movement requires enormous will-power, and leaves me feeling exhausted...

maybe that's the genius of the human mind at work:
when most of the brain's dendrites are busy trying to keep the body moving (walking, eyes open and so on), there aren't enough brain cells left to obsess/worry/think...

doing my best not to push helping hands away...

accepting offers of help from friends both off- and on-line...

trying not to give in to the whispers from my depression-crazed mind...

"GIVE UP! IT'S NO USE!" - i guess that that's not really a whisper anymore, huh?

boring.

grey.

nothing.

well - maybe not *nothing*...

i mean, "indifference" is *something*, isn't it?

okay - so last night i found it impossible to sleep...

ended up blogging until after 2 am, and then i spent about an hour sudokuing (is there such a word yet?), and then i just *"had"* to do some reading...

feeling a bit better today, actually...
(but don't tell anyone, or the monster will come back for me!)

yes, not having suicidal thoughts...
yes, taking my medication...
yes, fighting the temptation to turn into a nocturnal creature...

but...

no, not getting enough exercise (doggy gets short walks around the block)...
no, not eating healthy (coca-cola and sandwiches)...
no, not spending time with friends and loved ones (who needs people when there's the 'net?)...

i'm *tired*, okay?

went to sleep at about 4 am, and woke up at about 8 am.

depression is a grim illness in many ways, but the way that it prevents the person suffering from it from sleeping (sleep being one of the great healers), is *cruel*...

food?
nah.

fed up with everything and everybody - most of all myself...

thinking of turning into a bear so i can hibernate - would be *wonderful* to "disappear" without having to re-surface until the end of may...

spring is no fun - no fun at all...

of course it's not at all spring-time over here in sweden now, which makes all my complaining about "spring" sound (a bit) *stupid* - how can there be spring depression when spring's months away?

how the *BEEEP!!!* should i know?

all i can think of is that it's quite possible that - with everything that happended in my life this fall - my batteries are in desperate need of re-charging, and the spare tank is as dry as the only plant that's still (just barely) alive in my "home"...

ah, yes...

been blogging in swedish for a couple of months now, and so now i feel it's time i shared my wisdom with the rest of the world!

*grinning*

with any luck, you'll be able to read about my descent (where's the spell-check on this thing?) into depression...